I am sitting on my couch, for the eleventh day in a row. Other than a school board dinner last night I have not left the house since going to urgent care last week. This in and of itself is huge. Since Molly died being home is incredibly difficult. I also live in fear of Molly disappearing so keeping the house is extremely important. Quite a conundrum.
I share myself on social media a lot. My days and days of coughing and hacking, fever and aches, headaches and nausea all shared with the world. I received a ton of love and support as I often do. The flu is rampant across the world. I seldom get the flu, but I had a flu shot this year so of course, I got the flu.
So where am I going with this?
I am a firm believer that the universe guides us in more ways than we know. We have a lot of free choice but if there is a purpose that is to be fulfilled and our free will is hindering the process then we get what we need. Heck there are rock and roll songs that address this. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need.”
So, what does my flu shot induced drama have with universal guidance? People get sick all the time. What is my message?
Barb, it’s time to slow down!
People in all areas of my life tell me this all the time. On an intellectual level I know this is true. I have lived my life rushing from one thing to the next. My friend Taylor says I have torpedoes under my sneakers! She is right. I have a podcast editor who closes most of our meetings reminding me not to take on any new responsibilities. He is 21 years old and he gets this. I have a web designer who also reminds me that slowing down and looking inward would be helpful. My new mindset mentor suggested that this being sick was a blessing in disguise. Being in my house for more than a drive by is a gift.
I ignored the universe and rather than giving me another slow down suggestion, the universe pulled the emergency brake and slammed me with the flu. Okay universe, you win!
One of my biggest frustrations in myself is my fall back on maintaining the status quo. I fill my time with a variety of activities that while positive and fulfilling prevent me from moving forward. I have done it my whole life. I speak about it in my podcast this week.
Self-Sabotage at work!
My current professional journey with the podcast and blog has been slow. I do not yet have an online business that generates income. I am disorganized and can not maintain a schedule that puts this venture first. I have a book to finish editing. I am just over half way done. I have less than four days to finish. I know this frustrates my current business manager. I am all over the place.
Self-sabotage at work!
My personal finances are a mess. My office remains an unused storage room. I have not made appointments, paid bills, or completed a myriad MollyB Foundation tasks. I throw unopened mail in my office on a table there. This kind of lifestyle has been present for me since I can remember. I am often frustrated at myself. I scream “why”!!! at the top of my lungs in the car.
Self-Sabotage at work!
Just prior to getting sick a I read a book called The Mountain is You by Brianna Wiest. It analyses self-sabotage and shares a process for turning it into self-mastery. Page after page I read about myself. It was an incredibly eye-opening experience. As I lay in bed this past week, I re-read many of the pages. So many clicks of connection in my brain.
Self-Mastery is coming!
I used this week at home to watch movies on Netflix. Self-care is often ignored in the self-sabotage lifestyle. Sitting in jammies, sipping coffee, eating Fig Newtons and watching tv was a healing experience. Those first few days all I could do was sit. Jack was sick too and he slept best in my arms. One day he slept there for three hours. That nap was a two-movie afternoon. Another day Jack and I slept together in the bed ALL day. Massive snuggle time is always a gift.
Self-Mastery is coming!
Once I felt better, I started attending to my office. Sitting in that sunny room going through papers and mail. Organizing bank statements. Booking an overdue MRI appointment. Sending long over due Bill Luti Road Race paperwork. Filing all of these things in their proper place. I organized baby clothes next. In another beautifully sunny room, I sipped coffee and made sense of 20 months of clothing. A bin to donate, his clothes in the dresser.
Self-Mastery is coming!
A former runner of mine is being a mommy helper today. She plays with Jack and I continue to complete these undone tasks and projects. I am still in jammies. I am still sipping coffee. I am making incredible progress in this self-organization and self-reflection and self-love. I have also done many of these tasks in silence. No music, no podcasts, just the thoughts in my brain. This is incredibly difficult for me. I am not always very nice to myself. Memories come uninvited and bring me to tears. In the comfort of jammies and my sunny home I am safe to feel these things.
Self-Mastery is coming!
With the new year approaching and my next season in the planning stages I want very much to create a better version of myself. Getting caught up on my neglected home tasks and self-care has been an eye-opening experience. My brain is becoming a bit clearer and I can see things better. My head is beginning to have positive thoughts floating around in it. I am beginning to be ok with myself. I am actually ok saying no when asked to do things. (Well, this week anyway!) I feel better now and “one month ago Barb” would have already worked out and coached. She would have gone to all of the school board meetings. “Today Barb” sees the gift in this illness and is home, taking care of herself and making sure she has completed what she must before she takes on new responsibilities.
While Self-Mastery is coming! I am aware that Self-Sabotage will continue to embrace me like a cape sometimes. A weighted blanket holding me still. Rather than fight this, I will endeavor to listen to the universe and see why this weighted blanket of sabotage has been placed over me. In stillness much can be revealed.
Self-Mastery Here I Come!!
One Response
I’m still on season 1 and I absolutely love listening to your life stories and how you have navigated through all the trauma you have been through. You are truly inspiring to me and help me to be a stronger person.