Step Six is a tough one. (Well, aren’t they all?)
I am not sure if I have ever been entirely ready for anything. In fact, I think I spoke of this in last weeks email.
This week’s podcast takes a break from the steps and spends tie processing all that I have learned. (Subtle hint, it is a lot!)
But back to Step Six.
Were entirely ready to have God (the Universe) remove these defects of character.
Let’s see…..
Part of giving yourself up is to let go. As someone who holds on tightly to things this is difficult. I do not like throwing anything away. The anxiety flows through me. Another key piece of being able to let go of something is to first own it. You heard that right. We have to own our defects of character first, then we can give them over to God, or the universe.
Whereas step five has us list them, step six asks us to own them while at the same time give them away. This requires a bit of what I now call “control relinquishment.” Ok so for someone (me) who holds on to things (control), this feels impossible. While I am recording these steps just a week apart, actual Step Six work can take months. (Phew!)
As is the theme in these steps we must learn and practice seeing apparent opposites and the same. We must internalize the reality that dark can be light and light can be dark. That only in the physical world can the question What came first, the chicken or the egg, exist. There must be a chicken to lay an egg, but there must have been an egg for said chicken to exist.
This takes my practice of “stepping out” to a whole new level. While I have always considered detachment a strength in myself, Step Six has shown me that I hold on to way more than I previously thought.
I tend to act with impulsivity on things related to others, but wait to take similar action on myself. I am duplicitous in this regard. This should not surprise me as I have always lived a dual life. My feet on each side of a fence, the grass green with joy on one side and brown with grief on the other. Even before Molly died, I lived this reality.
It has taken me until now to realize that to maintain this reality I was feeding both sides. I was not willing to let go of either side and truly give it over to God. In these last three years since jack’s arrival as well as the two years leading up to him, I have been pouring hours and hours and thousands of dollars into self-repair.
I find it comforting and a tad humorous that I am finding such realizations, answers and truths in these steps. (of course I am!)
Change is terrifying to me, even good change. To allow God to remove my character defects leaves me with a version of myself I can not yet see. Sometimes the predictability of the bad is favorable to the questions of the good.
In the midst of all of this pondering Step Six asks us to pray as if it all depends on us and work as if it all depends on God.
This I can do! (go Figure!)
I have been fighting and praying and begging for a schedule that allows me to do all that I want to do. In this process God is giving me challenges that will help me to make the changes I am pleading for. I am a slow learner in this regard. Also, lazy, I think.
I have a CrossFit Competition coming up (how’s that for a smooth segway!). I am less fit than last year, less healthy and a year older. I can get pretty down on myself. In spite of this I will go and give it my all. The workouts suit my strengths and I know I will have a really good time. Why am I mentioning this here? Because I am fit and I am not. I am old but I am young. I will suffer and I will shine.
I am the chicken and the egg, the egg and the chicken.
I need to train to compete and I need to compete to train. One feed the other, both ways. In the process of letting go my struggle for predictability and time I am finding more time. Along with the time comes clarity. I have many decisions to make.
My home life. My diet. My workout goals. My spare time. My third spaces. My money. My mental stability. My physical well-being. My social life. Jack. Gracie. Kenny. All of it!!!
I see the holy spirit, the universal love that surrounds us as a soft wind, invisible to the eye but evidenced through all of the senses. This wind will gently remove my desire to control everything. It will set me free. In my quiet moments I can sit back and say, with the utmost confidence,
“Let it be done unto me according to your word”