Gilbert and Sullivan wrote a comedic operetta called The Mikado. Based on political control, arranged marriages and strict political and social roles, the basic plot is two people in love but unable to marry unless they lie, deceive and sneak.
Ahhhh political satire!!!
One of the songs is called (yeah, you guessed it) “I’ve Got My Little List”. Unlike the list we will create in step eight, this is a list of others who have done wrong. (Well, in the eye of the list maker anyway).
In my never-ending quest to find connection and meaning in life, Step Eight did not disappoint.
Step Eight you ask??
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
I have included Step Nine in my graphic choice here because these two steps are rather intertwined. As your list is being created it is impossible not to visualize, prepare for, and think about how the amend will go.
And right here, we let that image go. We are not doing the amend for ourselves, well we are in the sense that it is part of our healing as alcoholics (or whatever your “ism” may be). We do it completely selflessly. We have to, because the outcome is not dependent upon us, rather how the person who is receiving the amend feels.
This can go a number of ways.
They may feel grateful and thankful and receive it lovingly.
They may be indifferent and ponder why this was so important for you to do.
They may be angry and refuse the amend.
You amend may actually hurt them.
While Step Eight does not get into the actual details of what each amend may look like, as your list grows in length, it will be fairly obvious which reactions go with which names. This is where the Step Eight work really comes into play.
It is not just a list of people you have hurt. It is an examination of the beliefs, behaviors, biases, etc. that may have played a role in whatever it is that happened. You are not spending time criticizing yourself, you are truly stepping back and looking at your life as if it were a recorded movie. Where you can hit pause and rewind. Where you can turn it off and come back later.
Gosh I love these steps!
Making an amend is not simply saying “I’m sorry”. Most apologies are done from a place of obligation or guilt. If accepted there is a rush of relief. All can go back to normal. This actually puts the responsibility of fixing you on the shoulders of the person you are apologizing to.
An amend keeps this responsibility squarely on your shoulders. You are not doing it so you get forgiveness. You are not trying to “put back” a friendship in your life. An amend may not get you either of these things. You do it to own your part of a transaction. Yes, there is an apologetic nature to the amend making process, but the key take away is growth.
Growth on your part.
The journal questions for Step Eight ask for you to not only list those you feel you may have harmed but to also list things you have done wrong and how you may have done them better. It asks you to describe how you felt when you thought you deserved an apology and it never came.
You learn to see the hurt from both sides. (Sort of like debate club!)
You also work on the reasons you come up with for hurting someone. (For example, they hurt you first). Then, taking a look at those hurts and the ones you still hold on to. (I hold on to a lot).
The final activity in the journal is to make a list of people who have hurt you, then reflect on them and pray for them. Finally, tear the list into small pieces as a sign you are letting go of those hurts. (This one will take me several tries).
So back to Gilbert and Sullivan!
I have taken my list and created my own lyrics to the song. I have included all the terrible things they have done to me. I have ridiculed them (their actions, not them personally). It is quite catchy! I will refrain from sharing it, but I have sung it in the shower a few times.
Humor is a salve for my soul.
If you lose your laughter, you lose your footing. (Chief, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)