I remember learning about The US Constitution and how ahead of it’s time the writing of it was, not to mention the implementation of it. It was impressive to my history loving mind.
Even better to me, however, was the fact that it was malleable. It could grow and change with the growth and change of society.
So far it has done so 27 times. Yup! I’m talking about those fabulous amendments.
See when you amend something you actually make it better. You unleash it from its constraints, you set it free. You make it better.
It is more than a redesign for aesthetics, it is an upgrade. It acknowledges a weakness or shortcoming and seeks to repair it through thoughtful consideration.
Our founding fathers did not simply apologize because the document stopped working as it should, they set forth a process by which the document could be changed if necessary.
Contrary to popular belief, our founding fathers actually created Step Nine in the 12-Steps of Alcoholics, not Bill W., as we have been led to believe😊
Let me explain.
Integrity
The Constitution is no less of a document because it needed amending. Its original integrity is intact. The amendments make it better and add to its integrity rather than speaking to its weakness.
Step Nine is the same way.
Those working through the twelve steps are not simply apologizing, or seeking forgiveness for their transgressions, not at all. What they are doing is creating space for repair, through the ownership of the transgression being amended, and the humility to do it even if the person is not ready or willing to accept it.
It is taking a damaged relationship and amending the reality in which it currently exists. It is leaving room for a new beginning, or a restructured continuation. It is reparative and restorative.
But wait, there’s more.
When the amend giver walks away, they are not all of the sudden “off the hook”. No no, the amend is to continue through the future actions and behaviors of said giver. It is not just to give validation to the injured party; it is also to continue to repair the alcoholic, to allow for growth and improvement.
This amendment thing is genius!!
So how has my ninth step experience been? Funny you should ask!
When I was active in AA and working the steps from that perspective I was as successful as I could be at age 28. I thought I was so mature but in reality, NO ONE is mature in their twenties! I mostly paologized. My words were sincere and I wanted to make things right, but I had no idea how to make an actual amend. As I was working my way through my list, I happened upon a woman who should have been at the top of it, but I did not remember her until I saw her.
She was about 8 years old when I caused her pain. I was about 14. Not yet an actual alcoholic but I am quite sure well on my way. I was getting a picture framed and she was behind the counter at the studio. When I saw her face it all came back to me.
I had been hanging out with a friend I was trying desperately to impress. She was babysitting. We were at a small pond and the little girl we were watching did not want to go into the water. My friend suggested we swing her into the water. The little girl did not want to go in al all, bit I took part. I swing her in.
She cried. I felt awful and tried to make it right. I dried her off. I suggested we do other things. But it was done. This encounter kept me awake more than one night in my later teen years. And then I forgot.
Until that moment at the counter.
I took a deep breath. I told her who I was. (She remembered). I told her that she might not remember what I was about to say but that I needed to apologize and let her know I was trying to make it right. (She remembered) but she let me speak. When I was done, she cried.
Our conversation was intense and beautiful. We both shared our feelings and memories. She knew that I was an unwilling participant and in some ways that made it harder for her. We seek the helpers in our tender moments. She thought I was a helper.
It ended really well. It was a growing experience for both of us. When we were done, I cried too.
This was an eye opener for me. A true lesson in how the amend process actually worked. If we are living the steps, if we are making the effort then those who we are meant to make an amend to will arrive in our lives.
Living in the spirit of making amends and practicing the behavior that make amends to those we cannot or should not meet in person is incredibly healing. Life changing quite honestly. The goal of course is to live in such a way that amend making becomes a rare necessity, but the process of getting there is beautiful.
Step Nine is pretty amazing. As weird as it may seem, it is my favorite step.