We are here with my mother at Disney.
We left November 7th, 19 days after my dad died.
One Baha’i’ month.
We were sitting in Italy resting our feet. (Epcot’s version of Italy) when these two women on scooters stopped nearby to rest. My mother began chatting and told them that she was recently widowed.
The first thing they asked was how long they had been married, and then how long since he had passed. My mum proudly answered the first question but was a bit reluctant to answer the second. After 65 years of marriage, she felt that maybe it was too early to do something like this.
Both women were quick to tell my mother that she was in the perfect place. That there was no better place to ease a broken heart than the most magical place on earth. They chatted on for a while about “old lady” things and then they were on their way.
Kenny, Jack and I are Disney regulars so much of the park experience is familiar and almost routine. The magic, however, is as exciting as ever. Although familiar, it is still magical. Those sweet ladies from Texas were right, Disney is the perfect place to begin the healing process.
In April of 2017, coming up on the one-year anniversary of Molly’s death we had our first Disney experience. As weird as this sounds, it was a relief to be there as it was a place Molly had never been. Although I missed her desperately, she wasn’t missing. I didn’t look at things, rides, restaurants etc. and see her missing. She had never been here. As we left, the friend who took us said to Kenny, “I can’t bring Molly back, but I can give you Disney”
So, we will give my mother some Disney.
If I had time to myself to write this blog it would be done by now. If I get up at 6:00am, Jack will arrive at my side at 6:15. If I get up at 7:00am he will arrive at 7:15. No lie, if I arise at 4:00am, he is next to me that same 15 minutes later. At 8:36am, 96 minutes after getting up, this is how far into this missive I have managed to get.
Jack is across the table from me watching his tablet and eating apple sauce. My mom is getting ready, and Kenny is taking his medicine. All is well in their world. This appears to be the measure of my “well in the world” status of late. I come to Florida with a long and never quite checked off list of things that I really want to be able to devote my life to. Writing, podcasting, CrossFitting, and coaching. I am not ready or willing to simply exist, or to accept that it is my job to continue to give up what I want to do for the betterment of everyone else.
This all makes me feel angry.
I think, however, the hardest part is that conversation after conversation with those in my life produces little to no change. Kenny will nod in agreement when I share how I am struggling with the lack of boundaries people in my life show me. Once that conversation is over, however, it is like it never happened.
The more I do, the less others do. Don’t get me wrong, if I ask, then typically things will get done. But I must ask. Which tells me I am expected to oversee it all. Not just the big things, like planning a trip or making a large purchase, but everything! Daily tasks, housekeeping, Jack, schedules, all of it!
Here is where I play my part.
I keep feeling this anger and resentment. I fester in it sometimes.
Since I seem to oversee it all anyway, I should simply set a specific schedule.
(“Shoulda Woulda Coulda”)
My reluctance here is that it is one more thing on my list that other grownups in my life should take part in.
Having said that, however, I know that once the schedule is made and tasks assigned, I would then save a ton of time.
Have I mentioned that I never seem to have enough time?
We will go to Animal Kingdom today. We will see Gracie work with her good pal Chip. We will show my mother all of our favorite rides and experiences and shows. We will eat dinner at one of my favorite Disney restaurants. I am not yet sure if I will get a workout in, but I will try.
I have made some SMART goals, filling out the forms, answering the questions, creating the timelines. (In the middle of this sentence Kenny came up and suggested he go to the grocery store alone, not 10 minutes after I suggested that they all go shopping so I could get some work done.)
I suggested the shopping because he was sitting on his bed watching tv and when I asked what he was doing he looked at me a bit blankly. This is what I mean, if I don’t say it, it doesn’t happen. His reasoning would be that he always feels like he does the wrong thing. (He often does) Like the suggestion of him going to the store alone.
It is a hot Florida day. I will find the workout room. I will check out the pool situation. I will make believe I am putting myself first😊 In my “live in an attitude of gratitude” mindset I know how lucky I am to have a family here with me even if they anger and frustrate me. This is the life I chose and along with it come all these aggravating realities.
My task is to learn how to better circumvent them.
Here’s to my next challenge!