I often blog about my struggles and hardships.
I share openly details from my life that most people keep to themselves.
As a child who was told that I must either “be quiet” and “not tell anyone”, Or who was lied to by many adults in my life, secrets and lies remain tricky for me.
In my young adult years, I often re-created the chaos of my youth. I was (and sometimes still am) drawn to those who are similar in mental health and manipulation to those adults in my childhood.
As I move toward the completion of my 62nd year as a human female I am learning how to dodge these “soon to be not ok” relationships/friendships. I am sometimes quite lonely as the process of paying attention to these kinds of people has ended some long-term friendships for me.
I am ok with this for now. I am taking the time to pause and reflect and see how I can maintain my healthy friendships with more energy while creating a social life that brings me joy.
It is not that easy.
I remain hypersensitive, however, when I feel like I have made some invisible mistake that causes someone to be angry with me. I can lose hours and hours of “normal mind time” to sadness, anxiety and depression ruminating over something.
These first two days at Disney have been decidedly difficult. I had an email exchange that took my breath away, and not in a good way. I was a bit blindsided and then I think I handled it poorly.
Everything will be ok as it is not a life-threatening situation, but I’ve been in a fog for 48 hours.
I have amazing friends, and they have come through with some terrific advice.
I have lots of FB friends and they have sent hearts and thoughts and hugs and prayers.
And of course, there are the “what you need to do” responses.
There have been some terrific private messages as well. I am actually a very lucky person.
A common piece of advice or suggestion is to read or listen to “Let Them”, a book by Mel Robbins. While I have heard of this book, I am not all too familiar with it. I believe the premise is that for the most part people do what they do because of their life experiences and ultimately we can’t prevent or change that. Or understand it. Or fix it. Or own it even.
I have been recording podcast episodes with guests these past few days and it has been wonderful. Listening to the stories of others, following those tiny steps that others take helps me feel stable on my own “tiny step” journey.
This week’s podcast, however, is all me, talking about lawsuits and what I often refer to as “Dead Molly Money”. I have given a lot of it away. This somehow reconciles its ugliness for me. It can’t be that ugly if it is making someone happy.
A bigger truth for me right now, however, is that I am struggling. I do not have any idea what to do. I am not happy. I have a good deal of happiness in my life, but I am no different than I was twenty years ago in many ways, and I am not sure how to get out of this funk.
It was twenty years ago that I had my first significant bunion operations. It was my first year at Concord High School as a health educator, it was the year I met Aimee and Roy. In my never-ending journey to find out how I may have contributed to Molly’s death, 2005 was the year of “the note in the backpack”.
Twenty years.
I have to say, a part of me wants to return to a full-time career type job. I am so much more productive when I have external structure. I also need more social interaction. In my current reality I can go for days without leaving my house. I can stay in pajamas all day and still have a productive work experience.
I miss the days of standing in front of a classroom full of children. I miss the routine of getting up and preparing for a busy day. I miss having goals that I actually try to achieve. I think I miss feeling like I matter.
Not the ego driven version of matter, I guess I mean I need to feel like I matter to myself.
I am wrapping up this somewhat whiny journal entry style blog in sunny Florida. I am wearing my bathing suit. I will sit by the pool today and feel the healing warmth of the sun.
I will reflect and pray and worry and ponder.
I will play with Jack and watch him interact with Gracie.
I will talk with Kenny.
And I guess for today, this will have to suffice.
The picket fence is tall today.