I saw Bye Bye Birdie this past weekend.
My third time seeing it actually.
Well, actually, my sixth time.
I saw it three times in April of 2016 when Molly played Gloria Rasputin and The Sad Girl.
In my head Molly still looks like all of her friends. Although I do not have a mental picture of 21-year-old Molly, When I look at 21-year-old Derek, or 21-year-old Caleb (in the picture) I see an equally mature version of Molly.
Then I see the 2016 version of them, 12-year-old Derek and 11-year-old Caleb next to the last pictures I have of Molly and I realize that I have no idea what she would look like.
This gets me.
Caleb, 2024 top center, 2016 bottom left
Caleb had an ensemble role in the Community Players rendition of Bye Bye Birdie. His first Rundlett Middle School musical was Bye Bye Birdie. So why am I writing about Caleb? And Molly? And Derek?
Well, because they are doing amazing things. Derek and Caleb have devoted their lives to the performing arts. Derek on Broadway and Caleb here in New Hampshire. While Derek is currently performing on Broadway, Caleb is taking an active role in choreography and backstage work with middle schoolers while he transitions into grown up theater.
And Molly?
Well, she is still 13. There in her red dress performing as “The Sad Girl”, seated on a bench with Chris Renaud and a teeny tiny Caleb Anderson. (Chris is really tall now too). Molly does what she does on the other side now. Her spiritual journey began on May 1st, 2016, was solidified on May 7th, 2016, and is now halfway through its ninth year.
I wonder how tall she would be.
All of her close friends from that time are quite tall. She was just about my height when she died. She had the longest legs. I picture her at about 5’8”. Would she be in entertainment? Would she and Gracie still be close? Would they be at Disney?
I can get lost in these thoughts. I go down the metaphorical rabbit hole. It is amazing the memories and emotions that can resurface when triggered by a memory, or song, or location, or formerly teeny tiny person.
For the most part, seeing the success of Molly’s friends makes me feel relieved. It gives me confidence that she would be succeeding as well. She would be navigating life and making her mark. I always want to believe that she would be happy.
Our life was not happy at the time she died. There are lots of times it is not happy now. I fear I will traumatize Jack in the same ways I traumatized Molly. I was running around back then, trying to balance this triple life I was living. While I am no longer living a triple life, I am still running around all the time and for the most part dissatisfied with my accomplishments, if I even have any.
Do I try harder? Do I stop running? Do I hold on tighter or let go?
I unleash on Kenny a lot. Just before I began this blog I had a meltdown. While those around me vocalize their support of all I am trying to do, it falls away there. I am still expected to do all of the “helping’ and “organizing”.
“This is the life you chose” I am often told. So how do I create a foundation that is actually successful and not just me giving away all of my money? After the requisite amount of self-flagellation, I seek other ways to find answers, or perhaps guidance. This time I went to Molly’s friends.
Caleb is following his path locally, putting his talent and passion to work with a spirit of service. Is he happy? I do not know, but I know he is doing great things in many ways. Along with his gifts off the stage, he is a joy to watch on the stage.
Derek, as we all know, is a shining star on the Broadway Stage. He has been in Funny Girl, The Great Gatsby, and coming out in 2025, Boop, the new musical based on Betty Boop herself! Three Broad way shows at twenty-one years of age. Is he happy? I feel that he is. He is living his dream, has a terrific partner and a solid family connection with his mother and sister. He too, is a joy to watch.
Keisha and Nick, two other friends of Molly’s who are also quite tall, are busy living their dreams as well. Nick at Emory University and Keisha in New York performing in a variety of shows, plays, tv stints and who knows what else. Chirs Renaud is writing and conducting symphonies at Carnegie Melon. Meg Nyhan went on to college, was a successful dance team member and is now a performer for the Celtics Entertainment.
There are other friends as well who are becoming nurses and lawyers and fashion designers. They are getting married and having babies! Are all of Molly’s friends happy? I do not know. What I do know, or what I see, is that all of them appear to take what they experience and learn from it. They make it matter.
I know too, that she may have struggled. She may have felt like a failure. She may have fallen apart during covid which would have been her junior and senior years. The current political and social catastrophes currently happening might have been too much for her. I fall into this rabbit hole as well.
So as I approach my 1000th word and come to the point of wrapping this up and making my grand point, sharing my big lesson, I find that right now all I really do need to do is simply let go, not hold on and squeeze more tightly but simply let go. Move along. Accomplish what ever I can. Understand that while a show in Concord NH may not be a show on Broadway, both shows make the audience happy.
I wrote about Derek the first time I saw him perform on Broadway. I shared then and now pictures. I felt inspired and wistful, happy and sad. And now, I write about Caleb after watching him float across the stage marveling at his grace and stage presence. I feel inspired and wistful, happy and sad.
So there it is. Molly stays thirteen in so many ways, but she grows and changes, struggles and succeeds in my mind through the lives of those who were her people. In my disorganized and chaotic way I can let go the control, help keep her legacy alive. Talk about her in the present tense through her foundation.
I love you Molly!
I love you too Caleb, and all you do to live your life authentically. I am pretty sure Molly loved your performance too!