We all have that person in our lives. That person who, for whatever reason, initiates a feeling of unease inside you when they show up. That person can be overly opinionated, a chronic complainer, someone who is always sick, or perhaps socially awkward. Regardless the reason I am quite sure you are thinking of that person right now. I have a handful in my life. Some are just acquaintances while others are close friends and family. The relationship doesn’t matter too much; it really comes down to proximity: how much time that person will be around.
I have been thinking of this because over the past few months I came to the realization that I have become that person. Like a frog in slowly boiling water it wasn’t apparent to me until I was sweating in a tasty soup with large bubbles of “oh my!” exploding all around me. This disappointing status doesn’t exist in ALL areas of my life. Those who only see me once in a while haven’t had time or proximity to develop it, and there are others who haven’t yet arrived. I am hoping my recognition as that person will turn off the burner and slowly return things to their normal state.
The New Year brings with it resolutions and proclamations. My Facebook newsfeed is splattered with people who want to lose weight, get out of debt, stop drinking, eat Paleo, clean their closet etc. etc.! At the beginning of 2014 I too had several resolutions. The year hasn’t been a total bust, of the 10 resolutions I made I achieved 5 them. The five I didn’t make, however, are the more meaningful on the list and I can’t help but feel a little sad about that. Becoming that person was nowhere on my list. We all enter the New Year hopeful and that is a good thing, a chance to start with a clean slate. I am not sure how to enter this year, other than optimistically.
I entered 2014 with a horrible tooth ache. I was in the process of getting it treated and felt very sure that in a few short days I would be healed. Had anyone told me that I would have this horrible pain every day for the rest of the year I would have replied “impossible”. Not impossible that something could hurt for a year, but impossible that someone could withstand that kind of pain for a year. As 2014 drew to a close and the holiday season was upon me I realized that my horrible daily tooth ache would define the year for me. Everything I did professionally, athletically and socially was done behind horrible pain.
Pain does terrible things to you. It raises blood pressure and heart rate. It causes anxiety and after a while depression. As much as you try to treat it, manage it and live with it, pain mocks you and makes everything else secondary. Not too many people understand this. My chronic pain, how I have dealt with it, and the hold it has taken on my life have turned me into that person. No one wants to be around someone who is sick. Pain can suck the positivity out of everything. I totally get it. I truly understand why people don’t want to be around me. Oh no, here comes Barb, all she is going to talk about is her tooth ache. I have a friend who suffers from chronic migraines. This affliction will be with her for the rest of her life. I can recall feeling this way about her. That everything we did together would be decided around the migraines. There were times I didn’t actually believe her. That was before the tooth. Before I became that person.
In my jittery anxious painful reality I am still me. I still have the qualities and quirks that once made me fun to be around. I miss that Barb. I am not the Barb people assume I am. Hit your thumb with a hammer and then go out with a group of people to a movie. Chances are you wouldn’t be able to sit still. You might be distracted and you would likely want to tell someone that your thumb was really hurting. For sure you would be counting the minutes until you could ease your pain. You would take comfort in knowing that eventually your thumb would stop hurting and there would be an end to your suffering.
I think what has contributed to my current that person status is the “no end in sight” aspect of my situation. Nothing fixed it. I would see someone after a few months and they would say “you still hurt?” Even the dentists and doctors I went to shook their heads after a while. I have a very high pain tolerance. This quality is very helpful in distance running and Crossfit workouts. The hardest part for me in 2014 was not knowing when or if my mouth would ever stop hurting. In this way my pain consumed me. I am quite sure my behavior made people raise their eyebrows. I would break social engagements because by 7:00pm all I could do was lie down. I was anxious and consumed by my situation.. I am an antsy person by nature, add in a knife like tooth ache and I am quite sure I looked like a character from Intervention. The more I have tried to convince people that I really do hurt, the more they have pulled away. The downward glances, the way someone suddenly gets really busy when you show up, the glazed expression when you are mid conversation, the unanswered texts or phone calls from once close friends. All of this is hard, but totally understandable. I don’t think I would want to hang out with me either.
A neurologist finally diagnosed what is wrong with me and I am now trying to find the best treatment. People don’t really want to hear about this either. It’s okay though, because my mouth is feeling better. It is far away from pain free but much more manageable. This break from paralyzing pain as well as knowing what is wrong with me has eased my mind tremendously. The increased perspective has made me see where my life has come. I can step back and look at things. I can actually focus on tasks rather than just survive them. A night time of teaching or a days’ worth of track meets no longer terrify me. I can look at a parent’s night out with excitement rather than angst. Workouts can return to something to be enjoyed. I can tuck in my daughters rather than tell them goodnight at 7:00pm. Hopefully I can stay awake for a social life again. Pain is exhausting, but I am still Barb behind the pain. I am still me.