Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understood [God])
This is a hard one for me.
I talk about it in the July 23rd podcast episode. I lean toward the journey as I attempt to manage my life and while I would not call myself indecisive necessarily, I do not make decisions easily.
I saw this in Molly.
She could not shut down the “what if’s” and the “maybe the other ones” inside of her head. She would choose a flawless color of nail polish and then perseverate on the color she left on the pharmacy shelf. As I move through the Twelve Steps in this podcast season I am shown, again and again, my indecisive nature, my inability (or perhaps unwillingness) to let go of “the past”, along with my desire (or compulsion) to fix it all first.
It is like thinning the Tupperware.
Plastic containers. All shapes and sizes filled two drawers in my old kitchen. I do not have the space for them in the new one. They have been in a cardboard box, largely unused for months. I decided to “thin the herd” so to speak.
They say art imitates life, well, so does thinning plastic storage containers.
First, I separated bottoms and tops. Then I matched as many as I could. My thought was I would just chuck all of the unmatched pieces. Sounds simple right? Oh no no no!!! You see, throwing something away is a permanent decision. Once the truck takes away the trash it is gone for good.
Enter the anxiety.
So, I took a stroll through the house and found several containers with missing lids. They were holding non-food items. I slid the matching lids underneath them. (Seriously, I did this.) When I had searched the house as completely as I felt was necessary, I took a breath and threw the rest of the plastic out. It is all in a cardboard box in the garage.
I have a pounding headache now. (It’s just plastic!!)
I share this because giving up always seems like a failure to me and there is some aspect of committing to one decision that somehow feels like I am giving up on all of the other choices. I know, I know, it is completely illogical, it makes no sense pragmatically.
Which is what makes it so hard to fix. (And if you know me, I am a fixer)
The Step Three Chapter in Breathing Under Water is called Sweet Surrender. As I was reading and highlighting and working through the questions it dawned on me that this is a big piece of my story. This one aspect of life and self-examination and healing is at the heart of so many of my life choices and thoughts and experiences.
I can “not-decide” myself into days, weeks, months and years of inaction, stagnation, the perennial treading of the water so to speak. In my mind there is nothing, and I mean nothing sweet about surrender. So, choosing, deciding, committing to giving myself over to God (or anyone or thing) feels impossible.
I am an escape clause kinda gal. A ninety-eight percenter if you will. Soooooo close but not quite there.
This is the story of my life. I am dedicated, but not committed. When I ran for Nike and then for Liberty AC, I never missed a practice. Ever. I would also find a track in what ever town I was in and do the prescribed work out if I was away.
I was dedicated.
Let me also be clear, I ran hungover, heck sometimes still drunk! I ran on no sleep. I didn’t stretch. I didn’t eat well or get enough sleep. I did not drink enough water or care for my asthma consistently. I did not live the life of an elite athlete. I was a party girl with ten part time jobs (didn’t want to commit to a career at the time). I was queen of the self-talk. “I will quit drinking next week” “I will stretch every day this week” “I will change my lifestyle”.
I did not do any of these things.
I can make a verbal commitment to someone and then get so caught up in the chaos of my life that I forget the entire conversation. “Slow down” they say… “they” being pretty much everyone in my life. I nod vigorously and scurry on with my life.
As I write this I have already gone through Steps Four and Five because I record ahead. I have to say this doing it all twice thing has been a blessing. By revisiting each step, I give myself the old double whammy. So here on July 22nd, a day before “Stepisode Three” cones out, I have a raging case of vertigo. I have not actually made the decision to give my will and life over to God (or the Universe), I have been smiling and nodding and recording the episodes and carrying on.
Apparently, God (The Universe) sees ME quite clearly because BAM, vertigo is here. I am still.
Chapter Three, Sweet Surrender has the reader answer questions about self-acceptance, the meaning of surrender, what is means to “give yourself over” (lose to win) to someone or something. It asks for consideration of what it means to renounce yourself (die to live). It wraps up with forgiveness (of course) and gratitude (well duh) and the reminder that love responds to love. Finally, to practice radical acceptance, to accept love simply because.
I have had a shift in my thinking. I can’t describe it quite yet, but I do feel like I need to say “ok, I give”.
I look back to the beginning of this missive and re-read the Springsteen lyrics. This song is one of my favorites from the Born in the USA album. It has always felt like survival to me, but now I can also see the sadness on it. The loss and regret. The if onlys and what ifs. Not because the wrong decision was made but perhaps because no decision was made. Being so caught up in the fight that you lose sight of what you’re actually fighting for.
Maybe retreating and surrendering is not giving up or giving in, perhaps it is the giving over of the fight. Trading the fire for some water, some fear for some love. Maybe this is the part of Step Three I have never actually done.
Made the decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God (The Universe).
Ok Universe! Ok God! I give!
I am not sure how long this will last, but here am I, here am I, asking for your care in this process if self-exploration, forgiveness and growth.
N0 retreat perhaps, but a touch of that Sweet Surrender.
