A THOUSAND TINY STEPS

“It’s Me! Hi! I’m The Problem It’s Me!” – Taylor Swift

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Barb posting "Queen is 60 today"
This picture has nothing to do with the blog. I just need to feel good about myself! Carry on with the reading!

So, it’s Monday April 22nd as I write this. Why is this the opening line of this week’s blog? Well, because there is no last week’s blog. 

I am famous for this. (What might “this” be?)

Ok, here goes. 

I start something. Or I set a goal. Or I make a priorities list of what I want to get done. 

I make it a relatively public thing. I start out gangbusters. It’s all good!

And then it gets a little inconsistent. Things slow down. I get sidetracked. 

Then I get angry at myself. I get angry at others. I just get angry!

But I don’t necessarily change anything. And then (not so) suddenly…

I will have not done said initiative for weeks.

My life after Molly has been one long self-examination. It is so easy to find all of the things I feel I did wrong. They smack me in the face quite honestly. As I sit here in self-flagellation mode over my terrible blogging history, the little voices in my head remind me that I have, in fact, recorded (to date) ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-ONE podcast episodes. 

That’s right, I have not missed a week since September 6, 2021.

It’s a start.

Yay me!

I am just finishing up the CrossFit Quarter Finals. I qualified through my participation in the CrossFit Open. I competed in the RX Division for Women (female bodied humans) age 60-64. There were 2,700 of us world-wide. 

I was 599th out of the 670 that moved on to the quarter finals. 

It’s a start.

Yay me!

After one of the workouts, I was sitting on the floor bemoaning my age and lack of fitness. Aside from self-flagellation, I am not up to recent levels of fitness. No self-loathing here. BUT! At age 60, I am still far ahead of the average woman my age. One of the gym owners asked me a question that got me thinking. Here’s what she said.

“If you were a 30-year-old you watching a 60-year-old woman do exactly what you just did, what would you say to her?” I looked at her, and, without hesitation replied, “I want to be YOU when I grow up”! 

And there it is. 

In so many aspects of my life I fall back on the “I’m not worthy” excuse to justify my failures, or my willingness to give up. Then I get angry and say “fuck it, it was never going to happen anyway”. This also allows me to lay blame elsewhere. 

I am buckling down on MollyB Foundation stuff. I have the hardest time committing. I have a relatively unpredictable life and day to day it can be a bit chaotic. Jack is at an age that if he sees me, he needs me. I know in ten years I will miss holding him and having this “in the moment” time with him so I try hard to practice mindfulness and gratitude. 

It works sometimes. Annnd sometimes it feels like an excuse.

So, on this Monday morning, as I sit here at 7:37 am writing a blog that is over a week late, tired from another crappy night’s sleep, self-irritated for having two drinks last night, wanting to blame Kenny for always getting the alcohol while at the same time knowing I could just not drink it, I have that strong sense of déjà vu. 

I’ve been here before. 

What I would like to do right now is finish this blog with a proclamation. A roar if you will, signaling my final frustration at these behaviors. I want to create a list of ALL THE THINGS I will now do to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I want to make it thus!

But I won’t. Because in a few months (or weeks), (or days) time I would be re-writing this very blog. 

I will, however, do the following. I will complete the CrossFit Quarterfinal Workout. I will go to the chiropractor; I will coach Spencer through his track workout. I will come home and hang with Jack. I will record a podcast episode (as a guest on another podcast). I will write my weekly email. 

In the middle of all of that I will do laundry and clean up after Jack. I am not sure what I will do in the evening but I would like to avoid Kenny. I do not want to drink. I say that every morning, even if I am not feeling the effects of the alcohol, I know how much better I feel without it. 

But when 4:00pm rolls around all bets are off. It is “vacation week”. This could get tricky. Maybe I’ll find a meeting. (IYKYK)

A Thousand Tiny Steps people, we are always, at any time, and anyplace, somewhere in the midst of our tiny stepped journey. 

Sometimes the journey is what it is all about.

Enjoy the view.

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