Processing Grief

Learning to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed

Grief isn’t a straight line. It’s not a checklist or something to get over — it’s something I carry. These posts are me trying to make sense of that weight: how it shifts, when it surprises me, and what it teaches me if I’m willing to sit with it. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it screams. But this is where I let it speak.

motherland book

Motherland: A Memoir

by Barb Higgins ・ Proceeds go to The Molly B Foundation

Episode 110: Everything Happens For A Reason

The phrase “everything happens for a reason” drives me crazy. I found a new friend, Caitlin to commiserate with over this topic. We did CrossFit together and had the most wonderful conversation surrounding the timeline of grieving and society's...

Episode 109: Last Minute Decisions and Unexpected Twists

As I remember 9/11, I think about how a single decision can be life changing. I unexpectedly went down to Disney with my family. It made me think about the choices I make everyday and the choices that people made on 9/11.    Key...

Episode 108: Losing An Island Friend

The emotional bittersweetness of holding the physical copy of my book, Motherland in my hands is real. My friend Vinny who was a huge support to me during the time of losing Molly has died and he will never get to read the book. So I read the chapter...

Episode 106: My Emotions as the Seasons Change

August has always held significance to me as a time to return to school. As the seasons change though it makes me relive unpleasant memories and deal with the fact that I’m not teaching anymore. As I go through these times, I dive into Native...

Episode 104: Body Image in CrossFit

I recently had a CrossFit competition and what really stuck out to me was the fact that everyone had completely different body types and yet, we were all competing. I feel like CrossFit is just such an accepting place. I have seen classes for kids and...

Episode 103: Expanding the Arts in my Community

I gave a speech for RB Productions 20th anniversary and it made me reflect on what the arts can do to transform children’s lives. It makes me think about how the arts have changed my life as well and the changes I’m making from writing a book to...

Episode 99: The Cycle of Addiction

Addiction is a cycle that has consumed my life at times. I am now in the process of realizing how many choices in my life it has impacted. It still feels like a slippery slope with drugs and alcohol, but I am finally realizing why I am making these...

Episode 94: My Experience As An Online Teacher

Working at VLACS, an online middle and high school has been amazing. It has given me flexibility and I’ve been able to connect with students in a way I never could have in public school. But I am hopeful as I start my new journey launching a book...

Episode 92: Honoring Molly’s Legacy

As I hit the 8 year mark of Molly being gone, I think upon her legacy and what I’m doing with the MollyB Foundation to honor her. I have fundraised, supported the arts, and given scholarships to children in her honor. All of this work has helped me...

Episode 91: Memorial Day CrossFit

As Memorial Day is upon us, it made me think back to the CrossFit workouts I’ve done in honor of people that have died. That’s what I love about CrossFit. It is not just a workout, it’s about community and supporting one another. In this...

Episode 90: What’s Next For The Podcast: Guests

As I wade through death week, I reflect on my grief, how it’s changed and what’s next for the podcast. The podcast has allowed me to work on healing myself and now it’s also going to be a space for other people to share their stories. If you...

Episode 89: Finding Gratitude

I have been working to find gratitude in everything I do, even when life feels terrible. Finding the good in tragedy has always been something I’m good at and I’m only trying to do that more everyday. In this episode, I contemplate how my life...

Episode 88: Powerful Podcasts That Left An Impression

In this episode, I look back on the podcast interviews I’ve had and the amazing people I’ve met along the way in my grief journey. It’s interesting to see what people remain and the ones who do not as I grieve. I think the most important thing...

Episode 86: Being Deep in Grief

After Molly’s death I was a disastrous mess. I was struggling with alcohol and drugs and at the same time dealing with the lawsuit. I had to deal with Roy moving on, dating someone new, and the different realities that he seemed to present to...

Episode 85: Going to Amsterdam was a Life Changing Choice

The 2 weeks before Molly died was rough - to say the least. I debated if I was going to go to Amsterdam with Roy. I told Doug I was quitting my job and got him out of my life. I disappointed my kids and argued with Kenny. Each one of these choices...

Episode 82: Repeating Patterns From My Childhood

My life felt like it was exploding as I was living 3 major life crises: Roy, Robin, and Kenney. They were all happening at once. My social life imploded and became non-existent, Roy and I “broke up” and got back together, and Kenney moved into an...

Episode 81: Having An On Again, Off Again Relationship

In the time leading up to Molly's death, I had a tumultuous relationship with Roy that was on again, off again. This created chaos in my life as I was finally becoming financially stable, finding hobbies I enjoyed, and trying to give my daughters a...

Episode 80: Spending Hours in Court

In 2011, I was working a million jobs just trying to pay the mortgage and keep busy. I was spending time with Roy where I could and a lot of our time spent together was spent dealing with court hearings. As that was going on I started CrossFit, our...

Episode 79: Narcissistic People Stay in my Life

I attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies. All my relationships have common themes in them and follow me everywhere: my romantic relationships, my jobs, the school board. These relationships heavily impacted my life as I dealt with...

Episode 74: The Restraining Order

The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became...