Self Sabotage

When I’m the One in My Own Way

I’ve spent years staying busy enough not to feel things — filling my days to avoid the stillness. This is where I unpack the habits that hurt me, even when I tell myself they’re helping. The overdoing, the burnout, the inner critic. These posts are about being honest with myself when I’m the one standing in my own way.

motherland book

Motherland: A Memoir

by Barb Higgins ・ Proceeds go to The Molly B Foundation

Episode 125: The Social Impact of Concord’s Thrift Store

Thrifting clothes is such an important way to be both sustainable and give back to the community. I talked to students and teachers at my local high school to discuss their on site thrift shop, the change it’s making in their community, and the...

Episode 117: Stop Telling Women To Be Quiet

I’m tired of people telling women to be quiet. In today’s age, so many minority groups pit themselves against another minority group and I sometimes don’t understand whose benefit that is. This is part of why I wrote Motherland. I was tired of...

Episode 115: Processing the Messy Middle

It seems like everyone around me is dying as I grow older. It’s a lot to process and has led me on a journey of looking into the 5 stages of grief and finding a 6th stage too. I think about the stage that I’m in versus others around me and how...

Episode 98: How I’m Changing My Diet For My Health

I am taking numerous foods out of my diet to figure out how my body works. As I do that, the month of June is taking on a new meaning for me: track camp and the MollyB Foundation. I am working hard to grow the foundation and for it to have a legacy...

Episode 96: Needing an Escape Plan

On the 4th of July, I think about my memories with Molly and what kind of future I’ll help create for Jack. I have been doing deep work with my anger, self sabotage, and this idea that I need an escape plan. Putting all my eggs in one basket makes...

Episode 91: Memorial Day CrossFit

As Memorial Day is upon us, it made me think back to the CrossFit workouts I’ve done in honor of people that have died. That’s what I love about CrossFit. It is not just a workout, it’s about community and supporting one another. In this...

Episode 89: Finding Gratitude

I have been working to find gratitude in everything I do, even when life feels terrible. Finding the good in tragedy has always been something I’m good at and I’m only trying to do that more everyday. In this episode, I contemplate how my life...

Episode 87: Pulling the Dead Kid Card

As my relationship with Roy ended I mourned that I never received closure from it. I sometimes saw him as a thorny lifeline. I saw the women he dated throughout the years and maintained contact with him until another restraining order came into the...

Episode 86: Being Deep in Grief

After Molly’s death I was a disastrous mess. I was struggling with alcohol and drugs and at the same time dealing with the lawsuit. I had to deal with Roy moving on, dating someone new, and the different realities that he seemed to present to...

Episode 79: Narcissistic People Stay in my Life

I attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies. All my relationships have common themes in them and follow me everywhere: my romantic relationships, my jobs, the school board. These relationships heavily impacted my life as I dealt with...

Episode 77: Being Suspended From Teaching

Between July to November of 2010 I was constantly called into meetings for misbehavior in my job and was suspended. I never went back to teaching. Constantly being harassed, freezing at all the wrong moments, and dealing with a complex relationship...

Episode 74: The Restraining Order

The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became...

Episode 69: The Hypocrisy of Holidays

The holidays are time markers and they remind me of what I’ve lost. They also remind me of all the expectations society has around holidays and the hypocrisy of it all. After losing Molly it was too difficult to celebrate the holidays. Now that I...

Episode 68: Toxic Shame that Follows Me

Sexual abuse has impacted me in many ways: issues with overgiving, boundaries, people pleasing, shame, and intimacy have followed me in my life. I have suffered in physical pain to ignore emotional discomfort with these emotions. This has shown me...

Episode 67: I Self Sabotage

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I...

Episode 65: Impact of Generational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I’m trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that’s impacted my...

Episode 64: My Childhood Sexual Abuse

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where...

Episode 61: I was a Functional Alcoholic

In the years of ‘86 and ‘87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age...

Episode 56: Gaining Confidence in Junior Year

I went Into junior year a different person: I wasn’t with science guy anymore, I had a table at lunch, and my running improved. Along with the good there was such chaos though. My drinking problems began and I got into unsafe relationships with...

Episode 52: I was in a Relationship with my Teacher

The lines are often blurred to me on what’s okay to share and what’s not. When a student came to me sharing that they were in a relationship with a teacher, I shared my own story of how I was in a relationship with my teacher, “science guy”...